THOUGHTS OF... AN EGOIST

EGOIST: The world does revolves around me. It's not a statement of narcissism, just an acknowledgement of fact. Don't worry, I already know you don't agree-- in your mind you are the center of the universe, of course you'll claim otherwise, but were it not such a social faux-pas, you'd readily admit it. God forbid someone should think you're conceited, or vain, or self-absorbed. Everyone hates an egotist-- but claiming that your world does not revolve around you is like saying you'd rather climb a mountain wearing roller skates. Everyone is self-absorbed. What else is there to be absorbed about? Who you are? What you are? How people see you? It's all self-centered. Think of someone, anyone; a priest, a rabbi, Mother Teresa-- if you think that they are without selfishness, you're wrong. Yeah, there is nothing self-fulfilling or egotistical in believing you're doing God's work, or saving souls, or that you're adored and revered for being righteous and holy. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with it. Obviously a lot of good can come from it, but don't think for a second that they don't get anything back. Look, I'm only concerned with myself because it's the only person I can truly control or change. Sure you can do nice things for others, but ultimately all you're really doing is giving yourself nice feelings, and if you don't need those feelings to feel self-worth, why do 'em? Is it so terrible that I don't need those validation to like myself? I don't expect you to understand, it's like me telling a diabetic to just make insulin-- it's just not how you're made, oh well. They say you got to be comfortable in your own skin, right?! The only person we always have to be around is ourselves. When this conversation is done I'll walk out that door unchanged, and you may think 'what a jerk' and I won't care at all. I don't know what tell you, that's just how my world spins.

PICTURES OF YOU

House. A teen looking thru a box of old pictures. Mom hoovering.

MOM: Don't steal any of those.

TEEN: Steal? Why would I steal pictures of myself? I could sell them on Ebay. Bet I could make a killing, people are always looking for 10 year old Polaroids of complete strangers. I'm not going steal any of them, alright? I told you, I just need a couple for a school project.

MOM: Well don't take any of them permanently.

TEEN: Like stealing them, I got it.

MOM: Some of them are very dear to me.

TEEN: What is this?

MOM: What?

TEEN: This! My head is missing! Did you cut my head out of a family picture?

MOM: Of course not.

TEEN: There's more! There's at least 10 pictures in here with either my head or my whole body cut out.

MOM: I don't know how that could be. Maybe I did it for a scrapbook awhile back.

TEEN: Why just me?

MOM: Honestly, I don't recall.

TEEN: You literally cut me out of the family!

MOM: Okay. Yes. I did.

TEEN: Why?

MOM: Because I was angry with you.

TEEN: So you cut me out of the family pictures.

MOM: What would you rather I do? Ground you? Hit you?

TEEN: What did I do?

MOM: I don't remember. It was years ago.

TEEN: I can't believe you'd do that. I'm like six years old in this picture.

MOM: Well we were both very upset, your father and I. He took you out of the will.

TEEN: I did something so terrible that Dad took me out of the will and you cut me out of the family pictures, but you can't remember what it was?

MOM: They say 'forgive and forget' and that's what we did. Once we calmed down, your father put you back in the will. And I would have repaired the pictures also had I not burnt the removed portions in an old soup can.

TEEN: You did that?

MOM: Well of course I feel awful about it now.

THOUGHTS OF... A GUY NAMED DETROIT

*** This is based on an actual event that happened to me on Saturday night. Thanks Detroit.***

DETROIT: Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey, help a brother out. I had a seasons pass at Brighton for 14 years, and now I live on the street and it sucks. I grew up with J.P Walker and Tosh Townend and Dave Downing and Jake Burton and J.P. Walker and Tosh Townend, seriously all those guy are my good buddies. I'm not even lying. I use to ride with J.P. Walker and Tosh Townend and all those guys and now look at me. I just need some money. My dad threw me outta the house cause his a military man and now I'm living on the street. Seriously man a quarter, a quarter, that's all I need is a quarter. Thanks man you know I grew with J.P. Walker and Tosh Townend. I used to ride with all those guys. You think it is funny living on the street?! You think this is a f---ing joke?! Well it's not, it sucks! I used to ride with J.P. Walker! I used to ride with J.P. Walker you m*f*ers!

SNOWED IN

Surpisingly crowded bar. Woman enters covered in snow.

ABBY: Mind if I have a seat?

NIXON: Don't mind. Stuck in the snow?

ABBY: Me and everybody else. Probably the most action this place has seen since the 20's.

NIXON: Not for long. I heard they're gonna re-open the road here soon.

ABBY: Huh, didn't even now it was closed. I'm stuck in a ditch half a mile back. I'm Abby by the
way.

NIXON: Nice to meet you Abby. I'm Nixon.

ABBY: After Dick Nixon?

NIXON: Would I admit it? (laugh) Nah, it's my last name. Henry Nixon everyone one just calls me Nixon.

ABBY: So where were you heading Nixon?

NIXON: Essex county. Still heading there, just delayed a little.

ABBY: What for?

NIXON: Business.

ABBY: What kind of business?

NIXON: Unfinished business.

ABBY: O--Kay.

NIXON: I don't really wanna talk about it.

ABBY: No kidding. Sorry, I wasn't trying to pry, just curious. I use to live in Essex county.

NIXON: That where you're headed?

ABBY: Yeah, I've still got friends and family there. Try to visit when I can.

NIXON: If you're cold, the bartender was bringing around hot tea earlier, probably still has some
behind the counter. Would ya like a cup?

ABBY: No thanks. I think I'm gonna try and head back out here pretty soon, try and dig myself out, and head on my way again. Just needed to find a phone. I'm anxious. It's been awhile since I've seen some of the people back there.

NIXON: You need a tow? I got an all wheel drive pick-up out there with ropes, cables, and chains.

ABBY: No-no. I'll just call someone to come out.

NIXON: Sure, but that'll take forever especially in this weather. Probably set you back a fair penny as well.

ABBY: I appreciate the offer, but I'll be alright.

NIXON: Either you let me help you or you call a tow truck, giving you plenty of time to have some tea with me. What do ya say? I just wanna help. Please.

FRUIT TART

At diner. Eating tarts.

ONE: It doesn't taste anything like I remember.

TWO: It’s not bad-- certainly not the scrumptious, succulent, mind altering fruit tart you led me to believe it would be.

ONE: Sorry. (sigh) That's so bizzare. For as much as we rely on our memories it's amazing to discover just how screwed up some of those memories really are. That good fruit tart somehow becomes a great fruit tart-- and a bad coffee becomes the worst coffee you ever had. It seems to just get more and more polarized in whatever direction every time you think back on it. Then one day you end up in a moment like this-- making a fool of yourself, realizing that your brain is not really keeping an accurate log of things. It's almost frieghtening.

TWO: One of my earliest memories is playing dominos in Central Park with my grandpa. It is so vivid in my mind, the smells and sounds, more so than most. Turns out it's not even real. My grandfather passed away when I was less than eighteen months old. I don’t know when or why, but I must have made it up, and just continued replaying it in my mind until it was fact, and now a permanent part of my memories. I'll bet even now I could take a polygraph test based on that memory and I'd pass. Crazy, huh?!

ONE: We obviously have this random ability to add and subtract within our memories, if only we could do it to the memories we'd want to change.

TWO: Yeah, I can think of a number of memories I'd like to forget altogether.

ONE: What about embellish? Any fruit tarts you'd like to make better? Other than this one.

TWO: Yeah if I could I probably would. I just can't think of one off the top of my head. You?

ONE: Yeah-- too many. (takes another bite) It's like waxy.

TWO: The aftertaste is making me feel sick.

ONE: I refuse to believe this is the same tart. They must have changed the recipe. I'll go get us some drinks.

FREE MEAL

At a restaurant.

BARRETT: Thank you for agreeing to meet with me Mr. Olsen.

OLSEN: A free meal at a fancy restaurant with a lawyer; it's really an even split, but your paralegal did some nice work. This is my favorite place to eat.

BARRETT: Oh yeah? What's good?

OLSEN: To start with? The wine. (calling to a waiter) A bottle Chateau Margaux please.

BARRETT: A wine connoisseur.

OLSEN: Nah. I just like to get drunk when I talk about business, makes all the b-s that much more stomach-able. Let's get started.

BARRETT: I take it you don't like lawyers.

OLSEN: Alright I'll start us off. Your firms services have been retained by a notable client, who wishes to remain anonymous, to open talks regarding the acquitions of my business: trying to find out my prices? How close am I?

BARRETT: Without even looking at your books my client is prepared to offer you compensation far above than of market value.

Barrett hands him a sealed envelope.

OLSEN: So official.

BARRETT: The offer expires in two weeks.

OLSEN: I only need two seconds. No deal.

BARRETT: You didn't even open it.

OLSEN: You think I'm crazy.

BARRETT: Foolish.

OLSEN: Foolish is trying to solve a moralistic problem with a montary solution.

BARRETT: Your morally against selling your company?

OLSEN: No. I'm morally against selling my company to your client. I started this company with the express purpose of toppling your Goliath, so it would be incredibly foolish to surrender now that they're only beginning to feel threatened by my stone throwing. In fact, I am prepared to make an offer to acquire your clients business. It may not be exactly what they're looking for, but I really feel it is fair solution.

Olsen hands him a blank napkin.

The waiter approaches.

OLSEN: I'll have the three tailed lobster.

BARRETT: How do you see this ending?

OLSEN: With dessert.

THOUGHTS OF... A HERMIT CRAB

CRAB: How dare you! Where do you people get off referring to pubic lice as 'crabs'? You ignorant, arrogant s-o-bs. You'd think with all that higher brain function, you be able to tell the difference between a crab and a louse. Let's start with the basics-- I'm a crustacean not an insect. The difference being somewhere between me calling you a dumb-a and a dillweed. Look, I don't wanna make a big deal out of it alright, so just stop. I don't need you complicating my life by spreading biggoted rumors about me; I've got a hard enough time as it is making friends. Yeah, Surprise! I'm a hermit crab that would like to enjoy a healthy social life from time to time. Just because I don't hang out at your beach parties, doesn't mean I bury myself under a rock all day... well actually I do, but at night I go out with friends all the time. Almost every night. We get a bite to eat, go for a swim, whatever. How's that for earth shatterring? How could you know, right? We're called hermit crabs. You know, that's the problem, that title doesn't appropriately represent our race. From now on, please refer to us as Soft Transient Domicial crabs. So what if it's a little long. Use an acronym.

THE FEAR GAME

Facing one another.

WOMAN: You go first.

MAN: Alright. I’m afraid of -- pain.

WOMAN: Pain? That’s not specific enough. Physical pain?

MAN: No just pain. All pain. Not a big fan.

WOMAN: That's too general. Pain is just a part of living.

MAN: So what your saying is, I should have said, 'I’m afraid of living'; it just sounds more suicidal sounding than I was going for. What’s your fear?

WOMAN: Spiders.

MAN: Well if we're splitting hairs; that's a phobia not a fear. There's a difference. You're not scared of spiders-- just the poisonous ones or the ones with huge fangs. But you've not taken the time figure out which ones those are so you just fear them all: The irrational nature of a phobia. Because what you're really afraid of is being bite by one of those deadly spiders-- the pain of it. That's why you fear spiders.

WOMAN: And they’re gross looking.

MAN: So you're afraid of pain and ugliness. You ever been bite by a spider?

She shrugs.

MAN: You probably have just not by any of the big fanged poisonous ones. Likely in your sleep, it was just so uneventful you didn't even notice.

WOMAN: So it's irrational. I get it. So what? Everyone's afraid of pain.

MAN: But no ones says that. They say needles, or heights, or commitment; but its none of those things really. It's the fear of the pain that comes from the needles, or the fear of falling from those heights, or the fear of getting your heart broken when you really commit to a relationship.

WOMAN: You can’t avoid pain.

MAN: No-- not altogether, but you can certainly steer clear of the pains you’ve already experienced. Once bitten, twice shy.

WOMAN: Yeah 'shy' not 'avoiding'. You'd be letting the fear of pain cut you out from experiencing life. You can't overcome something if you refuse to face it.

MAN: Why put your hand back on the stove only to get burned again?

She takes his hand.

WOMAN: Because most of the time-- the stove is not on.

JACK & DIANE

Drive-in. Backseat of a red convertible.

JACK: What are you thinking about?

DIANE: I'm not thinking about anything. I'm trying to watch the movie Jackie.

JACK: Don't call me Jackie. My mom calls me Jackie.

DIANE: So?

JACK: So you're my girlfriend, not my mom. Let's not try to blur the lines. You each have your roles.

DIANE: I have rolls? Are you calling me fat?

JACK: No. Stop it. I just don't want you to be like my mom.

DIANE: You don't like your mom?! Is it because she has rolls?

JACK: I'm about ready to punch you in the face.

DIANE: Do it.

JACK: I love my mom.

DIANE: Good, 'cause I couldn't be with anyone who didn't love their mom. Sigmund Freud says men eventually marry woman that remind them of their moms.

JACK: You're grossing me out.

DIANE: The thought of marrying me grosses you out?

JACK: That's not what I'm saying.

DIANE: Alright.

JACK: You're mad.

DIANE: No, I'm trying to watch the movie.

JACK: Are you sure?

DIANE: You know, I'm not sure. I suppose it is possible I am the only teenage girl in the world who doesn't know when she's angry. Let me get in touch with my emotions and I'll get back with you.

JACK: Are you trying to piss me off?

DIANE: I was going for 'turn you off', but yeah I am a little.

JACK: Why?

DIANE: Because you asked me what I was thinking, which is to say 'I hope you're thinking what I'm thinking', and I know what your thinking, and I'm not thinking that. You're a seventeen year old boy-- everyone knows what you're thinking. You're thinking let's run off behind a shady tree, get me out of these Bobby Brooks, and have your way with me.

JACK: (pause) No I wasn't.

***Scene inspired (obviously) by John Mellencamp's Jack and Diane

EXPOSITION

I've decided to create a blog on which I will post scenes I've written. Some of these scenes may or may not be included in one of the larger screenplays I've been working on, but I figure it is a good way to refine my talent, flush out characters, and improve the overall quality of my final scripts.

To make things more enjoyable for you, I will take requests. Requests can be pretty much anything from you'd like your (or someone you know's) name to be used for a character, or you want me to use a specific line in an upcoming scene, or maybe you just want to read a scene from a horror movie. Either way I would like to encourage you to give me your feedback and join in on discussions.

The content of some of these scenes may be unsettling even disturbing to some readers, but I will commit to at least keeping the written language clean.

For the most part the events depicted in these scenes will be complete fabrications. As they say, "Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental." Now should I choose to use material inspired by actually events, I will see to it their names are changed to protect the "innocent", unless said parties would like a written aknowledgement at which point I will certainly give credit where credit is due.


***Please do not steal my work. If you would like to use any of this materials for a scene study or audition, please ask. The contents of this blog are my intellectual property that I want to share with you within these confines. Please do not transpose any material from in this forum without my consent. Thank you for respecting this request.