THOUGHTS OF... AN EGOIST

EGOIST: The world does revolves around me. It's not a statement of narcissism, just an acknowledgement of fact. Don't worry, I already know you don't agree-- in your mind you are the center of the universe, of course you'll claim otherwise, but were it not such a social faux-pas, you'd readily admit it. God forbid someone should think you're conceited, or vain, or self-absorbed. Everyone hates an egotist-- but claiming that your world does not revolve around you is like saying you'd rather climb a mountain wearing roller skates. Everyone is self-absorbed. What else is there to be absorbed about? Who you are? What you are? How people see you? It's all self-centered. Think of someone, anyone; a priest, a rabbi, Mother Teresa-- if you think that they are without selfishness, you're wrong. Yeah, there is nothing self-fulfilling or egotistical in believing you're doing God's work, or saving souls, or that you're adored and revered for being righteous and holy. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with it. Obviously a lot of good can come from it, but don't think for a second that they don't get anything back. Look, I'm only concerned with myself because it's the only person I can truly control or change. Sure you can do nice things for others, but ultimately all you're really doing is giving yourself nice feelings, and if you don't need those feelings to feel self-worth, why do 'em? Is it so terrible that I don't need those validation to like myself? I don't expect you to understand, it's like me telling a diabetic to just make insulin-- it's just not how you're made, oh well. They say you got to be comfortable in your own skin, right?! The only person we always have to be around is ourselves. When this conversation is done I'll walk out that door unchanged, and you may think 'what a jerk' and I won't care at all. I don't know what tell you, that's just how my world spins.

THOUGHTS OF... A GUY NAMED DETROIT

*** This is based on an actual event that happened to me on Saturday night. Thanks Detroit.***

DETROIT: Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey, help a brother out. I had a seasons pass at Brighton for 14 years, and now I live on the street and it sucks. I grew up with J.P Walker and Tosh Townend and Dave Downing and Jake Burton and J.P. Walker and Tosh Townend, seriously all those guy are my good buddies. I'm not even lying. I use to ride with J.P. Walker and Tosh Townend and all those guys and now look at me. I just need some money. My dad threw me outta the house cause his a military man and now I'm living on the street. Seriously man a quarter, a quarter, that's all I need is a quarter. Thanks man you know I grew with J.P. Walker and Tosh Townend. I used to ride with all those guys. You think it is funny living on the street?! You think this is a f---ing joke?! Well it's not, it sucks! I used to ride with J.P. Walker! I used to ride with J.P. Walker you m*f*ers!

THOUGHTS OF... A HERMIT CRAB

CRAB: How dare you! Where do you people get off referring to pubic lice as 'crabs'? You ignorant, arrogant s-o-bs. You'd think with all that higher brain function, you be able to tell the difference between a crab and a louse. Let's start with the basics-- I'm a crustacean not an insect. The difference being somewhere between me calling you a dumb-a and a dillweed. Look, I don't wanna make a big deal out of it alright, so just stop. I don't need you complicating my life by spreading biggoted rumors about me; I've got a hard enough time as it is making friends. Yeah, Surprise! I'm a hermit crab that would like to enjoy a healthy social life from time to time. Just because I don't hang out at your beach parties, doesn't mean I bury myself under a rock all day... well actually I do, but at night I go out with friends all the time. Almost every night. We get a bite to eat, go for a swim, whatever. How's that for earth shatterring? How could you know, right? We're called hermit crabs. You know, that's the problem, that title doesn't appropriately represent our race. From now on, please refer to us as Soft Transient Domicial crabs. So what if it's a little long. Use an acronym.